


It's Okay To Feel The Way You Do

by aceflowerchild



Series: I've Got Problems We Can't Fix [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Disabled Character, Genderfluid Character, Just you wait - Freeform, Mental Health Issues, Nonbinary Character, Other, Rape Recovery, Support Group, Trans Female Character, but it'll turn up later, i couldn't resist I'm sorry (no i'm not), im sorry herc, its not at all relevant or mentioned in this one, they're both angelica btw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-13
Updated: 2016-10-13
Packaged: 2018-08-22 03:50:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8271602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aceflowerchild/pseuds/aceflowerchild
Summary: Hercules has tried with all their might to forget their past, but let's face it -that isn't fucking working. So Lafayette has the idea to go to a support group, and honestly? It helps a lot more than Herc had expected.





	

**Author's Note:**

> IMPORTANT!!!!
> 
> if descriptions of rape/the lead up to it trigger you, please do not read the first three paragraphs!!! Skip straight to the fourth one, where it says, "Hercules sat up suddenly, in their own bed." You will not miss out on anything, I promise, there is no vital information there that isn't mentioned later!!! Stay safe!

_Hercules was trapped. Their uncle stood above them, baring his teeth in a twisted grin as he clamped a sweaty hand over their mouth, muffling their screams and cries for help._

_“Shh. It’s okay. Just stop struggling Medina.” Hercules didn’t listen, still thrashing and kicking. Their uncle’s face twisted into a scowl and he grabbed their arm. “What did I just say?” He picked them up roughly and dragged them over to the bed in the corner of the room._

_Hercules struggled to escape as the man who they thought they could trust threw them down and unbuckled his belt, all the while saying that it was okay, that Hercules had nothing to worry about and to just ‘let it happen’._

 

Hercules sat up suddenly, in their own bed. They looked over to see Lafayette next to them, hands fluttering just next to their arm, worry creasing their brow.

Hercules took one of Laf’s hands in both of their own and the two sat there, Hercules still shaking and breathing heavily, trying not to cry.

“Do you need to talk about it?” Laf asked. Herc thought for a moment then shook their head.

“It was… It was my uncle again. There’s not really anything new to talk about.”

Lafayette nodded, and they looked sad. “Maybe you could go to one of those group things? You could get support from other people who have been through the same thing,” they suggested.

When Hercules looked doubtful, they rushed to say, “You don’t have to, of course. And if you want to go, I could go with you. Unless you wanted to go alone.”

Hercules thought about it for a bit. “Maybe,” they said, shrugging. They kissed Lafayette gently, and then more intensely. “For now,” they said, kissing Laf again, “can we just make out?”

“If that is what you want,” Lafayette said, circling their arms around Herc’s neck.

“It is,” Hercules said next to Laf’s ear. They smiled as they felt their love shudder beneath them.

‘They don’t love you,’ a nagging voice said in the back of Herc’s mind. They frowned, but kissed Laf just beneath their ear, making them make the little noise Hercules liked. They nipped softly and left a trail of kisses from there to Laf’s jaw and down the column of their throat.

‘They just _pity_ you. How pathetic is _that_?’ Hercules made a small noise of discontent and bit Laf just a bit too hard in the juncture between their neck and shoulders.

“Ouch,” Laf said, quietly.

“I’m sorry,” Herc said, just as softly.

‘Look at you. Who would ever love you? You’re a _monster_. All you do is hurt people! Your mother, Elizabeth, and look! Now you’ve even hurt Lafayette! No wonder everyone leaves you.’

Before Hercules knew it, they were crying into Laf’s neck, trying to muffle the gasps.

It took longer than Hercules had hoped to calm down.

“I’m fine,” they said, sitting up and wiping their eyes. Lafayette looked skeptical. “I’m _fine_ Laf. I am.”

“Hercules, you are a mess. When you don’t wake up with nightmares, you are either sleeping through them or not sleeping at all. And… I worry about you love.” Lafayette looked down at their hands, and Hercules felt guilt wash over them.

“Please, just… think about the group, okay? You don’t have to go, but think about it. Please,” Laf pleaded.

Hercules sighed. “I will.”

* * *

 

 **some Disney reference** : john

 **some Disney reference** : johhhhhnnnnnn

 **Turtle fucker** : what?

 **some Disney reference** : do you think I need help?

 **Turtle fucker** : well

 **Turtle fucker** : I mean

 **Turtle fucker** : I’m not really one to talk, but when you wake up in the middle of the night almost every night

 **Turtle fucker** : because your nightmares woke you up

 **Turtle fucker** : I think that constitutes as ‘needing help’

 **some Disney reference** : okay

 **some Disney reference** : but do you think I need like…

 **some Disney reference** : group help?

 **Turtle fucker** : well, it worked for me

 **Turtle fucker** : but, I am not you, it was for a different kind of trauma, and it was every day for an extended period of time

 **Turtle fucker** : so idk

 **some Disney reference** : alright

 **some Disney reference** : thanks anyway dude

 **Turtle fucker** : sorry I couldn’t help more or w/e

 **some Disney reference** : no seriously, thanks

 **some Disney reference** : I’m just trying to decide whether I should go to a support group or not

 **some Disney reference** : Laf suggested it

 **Turtle fucker** : I see

 **Turtle fucker** : but I really gotta go to class now, see u at home

 **some Disney reference** : seeya

* * *

 

Hercules sighed. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

Lafayette squeezed their hand. “You don’t have to do this, you know,” he said.

“I know,” Herc replied before walking into the building.

During the meeting, Hercules didn’t say anything past introductions. They noted that the majority of the people there were women, or at least feminine presenting. In fact, all of them were, save for Lafayette and themself. They all gave the two of them dirty looks.

“I don’t want to go back there,” Hercules said as soon as they were in the car.

“I do not blame you. I felt as if they were going to murder us simply for breathing. But we can try again. Somewhere different.”

Hercules sighed heavily. “Okay.”

The next three they tried were nearly all the same. One of them had had another masculine-presenting person, but they had gotten the same treatment as Hercules and Lafayette. Hercules thought about talking to them, asking if this was only the first group they had tried or if they had found somewhere that wouldn’t make Hercules feel as if they had just committed every one of the most heinous crimes imaginable. But before everyone else had even started packing away, they had disappeared. Hercules didn’t blame them.

For some reason, despite their less than favorable experiences, Laf wanted to keep looking. To find something, some _where_ where the people didn’t glare at them. And Hercules loved them for it, but they couldn’t say that they held the same hope. They hadn’t expected anything from the start.

Then suddenly, Laf had found a group. One where no one was judged. Herc found it hard to believe, but lo and behold, when they got there, everyone seemed welcoming.

“Please raise your hands if you are new,” said the person who led the group. Hercules, Laf, and one other person all raised their hands. “Okay. I’ll start with introductions and then pass it over to you three. Is that alright?” Everyone in the circle nodded. “Great! As most of you already know, my name is Dolley Payne. Pronouns are she and her. I’ve been hosting this group for almost two years now. Would you like to go next?” the woman –now known as Dolley –asked, gesturing to the unknown new person.

“Oh! Okay then. Well, my name is Simon, and I don’t really have a last name yet. Pronouns are he/him.” He sat for a moment after he was done and then coughed, looking incredibly awkward.

“I guess I’m next then,” Hercules said, more mumbling to themself. They shifted in their chair and cleared their throat before speaking. “I am Hercules Mulligan, they/them, and this is the first group that we’ve been to that didn’t make us feel like shit. So thanks for that.”

Lafayette smiled at them and then turned to face the rest of the group. “I am Lafayette, I do not know my pronouns right now, and I am here for support.”

Then everyone else began to introduce themselves. Hercules simply nodded along to everyone’s words until-

“I’m Elizabeth Sanders, pronouns she/her.” At the name, Hercules whipped their head around to see their ex-girlfriend sitting just a few seats down from them. She looked different. _Very_ different. Her hair was so much shorter now than it had been the last time Herc had seen her, and it was also bright pink. Not to mention the various silver piercings that decorated her face.

Hercules let their eyes travel further, spotting the edge of a tattoo peeking above her collar and tracing the lines of her sleeve.

“Hercules, was it?” They jumped at their name and looked at Dolley, who had been the one to say it.

“Uh, yeah! Yes, that’s right.”

“Hercules, do you want to talk about why you’re here? You don’t have to of course, but just know that we’ll listen if you tell us.”

“Okay. I don’t think I want to say anything on… that, right now. I don’t really know any of you.” At this, Elizabeth looked over and raised an eyebrow. Hercules ignored it.

“That’s alright,” Dolley told them. The rest of the time was spent between sharing stories and sharing coping mechanisms. Hercules made a mental note to try a few of them. If they remembered.

After it was all over, and Dolley was saying, “We’ll meet here again next week at the same time if you want to come back.” Elizabeth approached Hercules and Lafayette.

“Hey Herc,” she said, voice rough.

“Hey,” they said in return. “Your hair is pink now.”

Elizabeth laughed at that. “Clearly. What’re you doing here?”

“The same as you, I suppose.”

“I understand that, but why are you _here_? At this group specifically.”

Hercules shrugged. “Like I said earlier, this was the only one that didn’t seem to hate us.”

Elizabeth looked over and seemed to acknowledge Laf for the first time. “Hi,” she said, holding out a hand to shake. Lafayette took it.

“So you’re the new date mate? Well, I guess I shouldn’t say _new_ considering it’s been three years, but still. We were never properly introduced.”

“Yes,” Lafayette said, smiling. “I don’t believe we were. I am Lafayette.”

“What kind of name is that?”

“A last name,” Laf replied.

Elizabeth laughed. “So Hercules,” they looked back to her now that the attention was focused on them, “what made you decide to start seeking out groups now?”

Herc shrugged. “I… I needed help Liz. I needed something more than time, than people telling me to forget. You can’t just forget something like that. And it was Laf’s idea.”

Elizabeth smiled at that. “I’m glad you found _someone_ to let take care of you. I gotta go now. I’ll see you around. Maybe.”

+++

They didn’t go back the next week. Not because they didn’t want to, but they couldn’t, not with work and school. But they managed to go the week after that. Simon wasn’t there this time. Nor were two other people whose names Hercules couldn’t remember. Elizabeth was.

The third time they went, Dolley said something that really stuck with Hercules. “It’s okay to feel the way you do.”

After the fifth or sixth time going, Hercules finally decided to open up a bit. Just a bit.

“I was just barely 14. I remember it was only a week after my birthday, and my parents had to go out of town, so my uncle said- that he would take me. Me and my brother, Hugh.

“I don’t know where Hugh was. At a friend’s house, probably. But he wasn’t there. It was just me and my uncle. And he kept- he kept saying th-that it was okay. But. It _wasn’t_. And I knew that, but- but I c-c-couldn’t _do_ anything about it. I didn’t _try_.”

They felt Lafayette squeeze their hand and absent mindedly squeezed back.

“And I was _so afraid_ to tell my mother. I mean, how do you _explain_ that? ‘Oh, by the way mom, your brother-’” Hercules cut themself off and shut their eyes tight. They focused on Laf next to them, holding their hand and gently brushing her thumb back and forth.

They focused on the chair they were sitting in and the way the carpet squished beneath their feet.

On their breathing, in and out and in and out.

They focused on anything but the memories threatening to resurface.

“You don’t have to tell us everything. Baby steps, yeah?” someone said to them. Hercules opened an eye. Elizabeth.

They nodded and squeezed Laf’s hand tighter. After that, they weren’t really paying attention to anything until it was time to leave.

In the car, without even thinking about it, Hercules fell asleep.

* * *

 

 **some Disney reference** : hey

 **some Disney reference** : I actually think this is helping

 **some Disney reference** : like, just the few times I’ve been

 **some Disney reference** : so thanks

 **Turtle fucker** : oh

 **Turtle fucker** : uh

 **Turtle fucker** : np bud

 **Turtle fucker** : pal

 **some Disney reference** : comrade

 **Turtle fucker** : amigo

 **some Disney reference** : friend

 **some Disney reference** : have I talked about Elizabeth Sanders with you ever?

 **Turtle fucker** : I think???

 **Turtle fucker** : that’s ur ex, right?

 **some Disney reference** : right

 **some Disney reference** : she’s there

 **some Disney reference** : most of the time

 **Turtle fucker** : woah wild

 **some Disney reference** : yeah

 **Turtle fucker** : how’d you guys break up?

 **some Disney reference** : it wasn’t really a big thing, but like, I realized that I wasn’t a guy

 **some Disney reference** : which is honestly kinda weird when it’s the second realization, but for a completely different gender

 **some Disney reference** : but I was scared I guess???

 **some Disney reference** : and I don’t think I really loved her, as bad as that sounds, but I think I just confused our friendship for romance, and tried to make it more than it actually was

 **Turtle fucker** : wow

 **Turtle fucker** : I know how that is tho

 **Turtle fucker** : the friendship/romance thing

 **some Disney reference** : doesn’t usually end well

 **Turtle fucker** : not at all

 **some Disney reference** : I gtg, my break’s over

 **Turtle fucker** : seeya

* * *

 

It had been a few months since Hercules had started going to the support group, and while they weren’t ‘magically better,’ their dreams were less frequent, and when they had a flashback, they knew how to calm down.

I had been nearly four months when Hercules invited Elizabeth over for dinner the next night –without thinking about it, or asking Laf first.

“Yeah, sure,” she had said, and then left. Herc turned to Lafayette with a sheepish smile on their face. Laf had just lovingly rolled his eyes at them.

“Come on, we have chores to do,” he said, and Hercules grabbed his hand as they walked out to the car.

As they drove, Herc looked over to Laf in the passenger’s seat.

“Are you mad at me?” they asked, biting their lip.

“What? No, Hercules, why would I be mad?”

“I just… up and invited her over, I didn’t even ask you if that was okay first.” Herc’s hands tightened on the wheel and as they came to a red light, they looked over to Lafayette, who was looking back at them.

“Herc, mon amour, I would never be angry with you over something like that. _Never_. And I do not mind that she is coming over, I actually do enjoy her company. So do not worry, okay?” Laf grabbed their hand and squeezed it lightly, a smile on his face.

Hercules sighed and relaxed their grip on the wheel with the hand that was still on it and brought Laf’s hand up to their face and kissed it.

Lafayette smiled and flicked their eyes forward. “Mon chou, the light is green.”

* * *

                                           

The next evening, Herc paced nervously in front of the door. Why did they invite Elizabeth over again? Was there any reason to anything they did?

They were startled as someone knocked on the door.

“I’ll get it!” they yelled to Lafayette, who was in the kitchen making lasagna. They opened the door and Elizabeth stood there, hair now cherry red.

“Hey,” she said, nodding up to them as she did. “Hope it’s alright that I brought someone.” Hercules looked over to the person she had motioned to and paused as they saw Angelica.

“Wait, what the fuck?”

“This is my girlfriend, Angelica,” Elizabeth said.

“Yeah, I know who she is, but when did you guys even start dating? I’m so confused, how did I not know about this? Come in, I need answers.”

Hercules stood to the side and let the two women in before shutting the door and staring at them, a look of confusion on their face.

“Hercules, is that-” Laf asked, walking into the living room and stopping when they saw Angelica and Elizabeth standing there. “Angelica, what are you doing here?”

“Before we explain anything, is John here? Because I’m not explaining this more times than I have to,” Angelica said, looking at Laf and Hercules accusingly.

“I thought he was with you and your siblings? I mean, he had said he was going to hang out with the Schuylers,” Laf questioned. Hercules then noticed that they still had on the oven mitts and they smiled.

“He’s probably with Peggy and Eliza,” Angelica said, moving over to the couch. Elizabeth still stood in the middle of the room, looking, for once, awkward.

“You can sit down Liz. The couch won’t bite.” Elizabeth laughed at that and went to sit next to Angie, who looked right at home.

“Well, there isn’t much to explain. We met about three months ago, I think? Or was it four?” Angie looked over to Elizabeth.

“It was four,” she said gently.

“Right, four. We met at work actually. She had come in when I was working the late shift and I’d complimented her hair, and then we exchanged numbers. Well, more like I wrote mine on her check and she had texted me, but still. And we’ve been dating for two months now.”

Hercules nodded. “I just have one question.”

“Go ahead and ask it,” Elizabeth said, gesturing for them to go on.

“I was gonna ask t anyway, but thanks for the permission. Now, why were you so far up here? Don’t you live in a like 20 minutes from Dolley’s in a completely different direction? We live like, an hour away from there.”

Herc could’ve been imagining it, but it seemed like Elizabeth was blushing. “I remembered you saying that you had worked there, you called it a ‘dingy local restaurant’, and I guess I just wanted to see you. I don’t know. And maybe I wanted a bit of closure. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“Closure?” Herc asked.

Elizabeth just sighed. “Yeah. I thought I had gotten over it, but then, seeing you again. I was still kinda pissed that you just broke things off and then _left_. Like it was no big deal.”

Herc sat in silence for a moment. “Oh. I’m sorry Liz.”

The woman waved it off. “It’s fine. I realize why you did it. But that didn’t stop me from being angry. At least, then.”

“Are you sure? Because I don’t want any animosity-” Elizabeth just waved her hand again.

“Dude, trust me, it’s fine. Are you alright with being called dude?” Herc nodded and laughed.

The rest of the evening was filled with laughter and jokes, and a bit of worry when Angelica tripped over her prosthetic (while it was still on at that) and almost fell.

As Angelica and Elizabeth left, the latter turned to face Herc and said, “I’ll see you next week.”

“Next week,” Hercules repeated.

Elizabeth smiled and followed Angelica to the elevator. Her closed the door and leaned their forehead against it. While it had been fun, they felt drained and tired. They jumped as they felt a pair of arms slide around their stomach and then relaxed as they realized it was Lafayette.

Herc turned around to face Laf, wrapping their own arms around them and leaning forward to kiss their chin.

“You’re so short,” Laf said, placing their head on top of Herc’s to prove it.

“I’m actually quite tall for my assigned gender, Laf. Most cis women generally don’t reach 5’9”, much less 6 feet. You are just a giant.”

Laf seemed to find this funny. “Come. Let’s go to sleep. We can do the dishes in the morning.” Hercules smiled and nodded, following Laf to their shared bedroom.

As they crawled under the covers and closed their eyes, they heard Dolley’s voice in their head. ‘It’s okay to feel the way you do.’ And Hercules could work with that.

**Author's Note:**

> The summary Sucks and the ending Sucks, and this whole thing is just Awful, but hopefully you still enjoyed it and yeah. feel free to hmu on tumblr hckin-nerd , I don't know how to link it and I apologize for that, but yeah. Seeya.


End file.
